Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Routine

I REALLY need to get back into a better prayer routine, and just a routine in general, because I have really been noticing lately that while I am doing marvelously with my intellectual understanding of faith (as much as we can as creations even begin to fathom God - everyday I realize more and more how truly mysterious and miraculous God is, and that when I try to put Him into a box that our minds can fully comprehend, that I am diminishing so much of Who God is, but I digress...), I am absolutely neglecting the more spiritual and important aspects of my faith in prayer and presence of God (and in my household routines).

I want to at least at this point, get back into a regular morning and evening prayer time. I was able to do it this morning, but with much difficulty. I know that at first it will be difficult, not only because it is a habit that I must get back into and is hard for my undisciplined self to stick with, but because I know there are forces at work that would try to prevent me.

And yet I know that my whole life, I will struggle and I will never be where I truly ought to be, and that feeling of where I am and how far I truly am from where I should be, is going to always be the case, although hopefully it will become smaller as I grow in age, in faith, and in my journey to become like Christ. Father said on Sunday, that if we find ourselves in a place where we do not feel we need to grow, to change, to become more like God, where we are complacent and think we have done enough and have become enough, then we are in danger, and we are no longer reaching towards God.

At least I know for now, I do not feel that way, and I can't imagine ever feeling that way. I know I have so much to do, and there is so much I beg God to change in my heart. Oh I need it broken and softened and molded so differently. I plead with God to soften it towards the people of this world. As I have grown into the person I am now, the times without God have allowed my heart to become shriveled and tough and turned away from so many things that should stir it. I know we all have those wounds and etchings upon ourselves and our hearts that leave us not only scarred, but leave small pieces of our hearts that we will not share with others or with God. I am afraid to give Him those pieces of myself that I hold so closely. They still hurt, and it may hurt more still for Him to fix it and heal me. At what point will enough become enough and I fully offer those secret pains up to God in prayer and abandon and let myself be changed?

And on a completely different note. School has been delayed this morning because the kids are busy coloring pictures together. I think that's an ok reason to push our routine back, just a little. The stack of fireworks and squiggles growing next to the computer makes me smile. =o)

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