Thursday, November 17, 2011

Kelli and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Poop Incident

I gave you  fair warning. This is a poop story.

And I am only posting it, because I am sure it will make some of you other moms feel like you aren't alone in the not so joyous moments of parenthood. I am sure someday I will laugh about this. But not today.

The kids were quiet and happy, so I thought I could run to the restroom. Ha! Has anyone else noticed that as soon as you take the opportunity to go to the restroom, some child desperately needs to go? We only have 1 bathroom (less than 2 months Kelli...less than 2 months...) so of course I hear this banging on the door of a child desperately needing to go. I thought, surely this child can wait just a minute. I was oh so wrong.

As I rushed out the bathroom to get the little bugger, I realized it was indeed too late. The underwear contained a bulge that indicated something terrible had just occurred inside of them. I brought my sweet darling son into the bathroom to clean him up - I wasn't mad. He tried. He just really had to go and he hadn't been feeling well. No big deal. Until he starts wiggling. You know how you try to keep them so totally still and just slowly peel the underwear down and keep the mess contained? Well this plan was about to fail, so as I was freaking out and trying to get him to listen and be still, of course he starts saying he will help and he will try and begins to wiggle all the more vigorously. Failure. Poop plops onto the tile floor. Ok - no big deal. Throw him up on the toilet and I can clean this up real quick while he sits there, then I will handle him.

But oh NOOOOOO because who should then run into the room but my not so little puppy who then begins to EAT the poop. I am not even joking. And it gets worse. You may want to grip the sides of your seat. I grab her while screaming (I lost all control here, it was just too much at this point) and flung the dog into the bathtub, but on the way there she dropped poop out of her mouth and let it fall all over Will's legs as he is sitting there ever so innocently on the potty - btw this dog who never listens and fights to get out of the tub stayed in there, I am assuming because she saw the crazy look in my eye. Either that or as God looked on in amusement he took this small amount of pity on me. However, she must have stepped in the poop when I grabbed her, because as she was running about in the tub, she was smearing poop all over it.

At this point I realize I am in over my head, and I call for Abby to come help me. She sees the mess and is just mortified, and I instruct her to run and get me the cleaner I need and paper towels. She returns with paper towels - and the wrong cleaner. I send her back. Again she returns...with the wrong cleaner. Third times the charm right? Nope. Not the right cleaner. You would think I would just take whatever she had and make it work, but no. I needed the right cleaner, because I am obsessive and crazy. So I had Abby hold down the poop situation while I went and got the right cleaner. All the while steam is coming out my nose and my eyes have glazed over and Abby is smartly keeping quiet to not tempt the mommy beast.

I come back with the cleaner, all is well. Except it ISN'T because right when all seems to be fine, when it all seems to be coming to a close, one more thing must go terribly wrong! Abby steps in the poop on her way out, freaks out, and flings all the poop clinging to her foot into the hallway and onto the carpet.

It's all clean now. And we all survived. But for a little while there... I was doubtful we'd get through it. Go ahead. You can laugh at me. I would have laughed at you.


  1. Oh good gracious, Kelli!!! I'm so sorry!!!! Those kinds of situations are the WORST! I can completely envision the whole thing going down at my house! Something about the dog always throws things off!
    I hope that you are recovering. Rough day!

  2. I believe we have recovered. I have blocked it out so much that it seems almost a distant memory, haha. ;o)

    I knew I shouldn't have laughed at your poop story last week.... serves me right I suppose!